How can you move on when you still have so many questions that are never going to be answered? Emma Gill, chats all things closure and how to move on when you haven’t received any.
Have you ever been in a situation where your relationship with someone has ended, maybe suddenly or it was out of your control, and you’re left with endless questions and little to no explanation as to what happened or why?
It’s a hard situation to move on from, especially when the other party refuses to acknowledge why the relationship ended or if they have not acted kindly, respectfully or even humanely when dissolving the relationship. Whilst I admit being the person that is breaking up with someone or ending a friendship is never nice and it can bring feelings of guilt, pain and sadness, you still need to be a decent human being and offer an explanation to the other party. By NOT giving the other person an explanation, it can leave them with the feeling of not having closure.
Closure is having a sense of understanding as to why a relationship has come to an end. It is a key element of being able to heal and move on from the breakdown or the ending of any relationship, whether that be friendship, family relations or a romantic relationship, which is why when no closure is given, we search for the ends of the earth to find it. Some try to extract some form of explanation from the other person, some create their own narrative and decide the reasons themselves and some try the hard option of plain acceptance where they move on without trying to find any closure. Each to their own and you do whatever you feel will help you the most but also be prepared that you might not be able to get an explanation or just accept it and move on, and creating your own narrative might leave you feeling worse than did before.
If you aren’t given closure and you have to create your own, to be able to move on you need to remember that sometimes, things just don’t work out and there is nothing you or the other person could have done to prevent this outcome. Sometimes, things just fall apart, people change and feelings for others fade; there is no real reason for it and there is nothing you, or anyone else, could do to salvage the relationship you once had.
A fact of life that I have grappled with since I was a kid is that you may never know ‘why’ something has happened, ‘why’ someone did what they did or ‘why’ you were treated that way and that is by far the hardest thing to come to terms with, especially if it comes out of nowhere or from someone unexpected. However, what I have learned is that to have closure, you need to accept the way the relationship ended, how you were treated and the overarching fact, that it has come to an end and there is nothing you can do to get it back.
At the end of the day closure, it all about acceptance and moving on. But how do you do that and how do you move on and create your own closure when you haven’t received any? Well, here’s a guide to help you through. Also, remember the age-old saying that no one can give you closure but yourself, and unfortunately, it’s a cliché that rings true.
Create space
Physically and mentally create space and separate yourself from the other person. Delete their number, their social media accounts, their texts everything. Or you can just mute their accounts if you aren’t ready for the harsh approach. Just make sure there are things in the way so that you won’t be tempted to drunk text. You will also find that you have more time to think things over, feel all of your emotions and figure out what you want to do and where you go next. It helps you get a fresh perspective on things which enables you to grow wiser and begin to let go of the thoughts and feelings you’ve been holding onto.
Keep yourself busy
I know, I know but honestly, it works wonders. Keep your mind occupied if nothing else. It can be a real distraction to stay busy to help you cope and realises that you will be okay. At first, it might be hard to focus on things but over time you will find it becomes easier. You could throw yourself into work, responsibilities, or hobbies. Weekends might be especially hard to deal with so plan in advance and make sure to change your scenery at the weekends as much as possible. It can be hard being by yourself if you have been in a long-term relationship or are used to being around consistent company so make sure to use friends and family to help you.
Allow yourself time to process
Having someone leave your life, no matter who they are or how long you’ve known them is always going to be difficult. Don’t try to move on too fast or kid yourself, there’s only so much ‘faking it’ you can do before it wears you down. Allow yourself the time and the space to grieve over the relationship and process what has happened, especially if it has come as a shock. Talk it out with others, write it down or say what you’re feeling out loud. Another crucial thing to remember is that getting closure or accepting what has happened does not automatically equate to being able to ‘be over it’ or ‘heal’ or ‘move on’, it’s the first step, you now need to give yourself time and space to process it.
Create new memories
The thing that haunts and hurts you the most is the memories. Memories of the good times, the happy places, and the laughter you shared. You relive them in your head and try to figure out why they didn’t last but you need to stop! Remember one of the best bits of letting go of old memories is creating new ones! Replace the memories everywhere you ever went with them, and trust me, they will be 10x better!
There are many more ways you can help yourself gain closure and start the journey towards acceptance, healing and moving on. You can also heal and move one without gaining any closure if you wanted to. The key to moving on without an explanation or reason or a sense of closure is understanding and acceptance. Moving on is something we work on individually; we all have our own ideas and our own pace. While being given closure from others may help us heal and move on, many strategies coming from us as individuals can also help in our own right, particularly when the closure has escaped us, and we are back relying on ourselves.
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